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In All Circumstances: The Heartache of Miscarriage

“Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you” 1 Thessalonians 5:18.

By Guest Contributor: Heather Sines

mosaicOver the years I have heard of, and have known a few, people who have had a miscarriage.  While I couldn’t identify with them I did wonder how they dealt with it.  How hard that must be to lose a most wanted child.  Because of that, I didn’t know what to say to them or even if I should say anything.

In November of 2011, four days before Thanksgiving, I found out I was pregnant with baby #2.  Our son was only 8 months old, and I was a little shocked at the thought of have 2 kids so close together.  My husband, on the other hand, was excited and thought it would be fun.  Slowly his enthusiasm rubbed off on me and I started planning.  We would need another crib, a double stroller, I would need to pull out all of the baby clothes. The  lists started. One week later it wouldn’t matter. I had started miscarrying. We had just moved to the area and I still didn’t have a doctor. I didn’t know who to call or where to go. After my husband called around, he found a VERY nice doctor that squeezed me into his busy schedule. He explained the different possibilities and calmed my nerves. He said if I was indeed miscarrying I would know soon.  And I did.

I was shocked, felt guilty (remember that I thought I didn’t think I was ready to have another child so soon), and wondered what I could have done differently. My husband and I prayed, I cried, we grieved together. This happens sometimes–more often than people talk about. We still had time to have another child and then things would be fine.

Four months later we were pregnant again! This time, I was ready and excited. The doctor was following closely and I had a 5 week ultrasound.  We saw a heartbeat! The baby measured small but in my mind that didn’t matter. There was a heartbeat! My confidence was up. This was going to happen.

Two weeks later we went in for a second ultrasound. The doctor was silent as he took measurements. And then, no heartbeat. Really?  Again?  I thought this only happened occasionally. Two times in a row? I’ve never heard of that happening. This time I had to have a D&C. The sadness of the loss was deeper. So many people prayed for us. We prayed, I cried and we grieved together once again.

Emotionally this was taking a toll on me but we decided to pray about it and trust God with our family.  Maybe we would just be a family of three.  But three months later we were pregnant again. Finally we would have another baby! And while I didn’t breathe a sigh of relief, I thought surely this time things would be different.

Once again we were followed closely. Once again, I went in for an early ultrasound. Once again the baby stopped growing at 6 weeks 1 day. Once again people covered us in prayer. Once again we grieved. Once again I cried. Once again we wondered what was going on.

It has been four months now. The hurts still runs deep. The loss is real. There is no medical explanation (other than my age) as to why this has happened. The fear that it could happen again is always there. BUT, I have a choice. I can either choose to dwell in the “what ifs” of the past or the fear of the future and miss out on the present. Or, I can choose to be thankful for what I have here and now and what God has given me. Sometimes I catch myself missing the joys of today by dwelling on the past or fearing the future. I remind myself to “Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you” 1 Thessalonians 5:18.  Today I choose to be thankful. Giving over my fear of the future to The Lord and trusting Him.

*Today I am 18 weeks pregnant and still have to choose to trust.  In the midst of feeling yucky and rejoicing because I feel yucky I have to choose to be thankful for today.  I don’t know where tomorrow will lead but I know God will be there all along the way. And we have decided to trust Him.

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Heather Sines is a stay at home mother of a 2-year-old and is expecting another baby in November. After moving around awhile, she and her husband moved to Northwest Arkansas 1 1/2 years ago where they plan to stay put. She loves to spend time with her family and hopes her 2-year-old will start sleeping in past 5:30 AM!

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